Thursday, 01 January 2009

• The Beverly Hillbillies do Okinawa

   

  I sent a friend who is already over in Okinawa this, tonight:

  Here's another stupid question...I stupidly dyed my hair platinum blonde because Blaine thought it would look sexy (and made careful note of it on the 'Stupid things my husband wants me to do that I should never do' list).  Do they have much of a selection of home hair coloring stuff at the commissary?  What brands and stuff?  I know this is a really dumb thing to wonder about, but I'm getting ready to go back to my natural blah blonde color to be low maintenance and was wondering, "Am I going to have to tolerate three years of shitty-looking hair?".  I mean, I know the humidity is going to make me look like frankenstein anyway, so why should it matter if I look like a platinum frankenstein or a dirty blonde frankenstein, right?  Next time you go to the commissary, let a homey know...I'm curious.  I keep wondering which foods and other stuff we use every day that they will have and what they won't carry out there.  I never realized how high maintenance I am.  I'm going to have to knock that stuff off, now...and learn how to cook!  Okay, yeah - off to that happy place now!

  It's kind of scary when you start thinking of things like this.  I remember my dread when I went on a trip to Ireland and realized that my hairdryer would not work in any of the outlets there.  I am one of those people that used to always blowdry my hair because if I didn't, my natural "waves" came out and made me look like I had just stuck my finger in a light socket.   There was a time in my life where I used to just go with it and ride those waves by getting a perm.  The perm brought the waves into a pretty curls that, although still big, framed my face in a flattering way instead of a wavy mess.  Straight hair just wasn't "in" back then.  When I went to Ireland, I had gotten into the habit of blowdrying my hair straight.  My hair hadn't been naturally dried in years and it was a disaster the whole time I was there.

  Of course, my curling iron didn't work over there, either, so I ended up looking like "shite" for most of my trip.  I already stuck out like a sore thumb because it was the first time I had ever traveled out of the country alone.  I had gone to France and Germany years back, but I was younger then and with my parents.  Now, I was in the land of sheep, beer, leprechauns, and green stuff without a hair dryer.  Damnit.

  Now, I'm starting to think about things like this.  I've been various shades of blonde all my life.  Before we got the news we were going to be going to PCS (permanent change of station), I had been entertaining the idea of going red - bright red.  I thought I would look really cool as a redhead...or maybe a cool brunette.  I hadn't decided, but I wanted to go dramatic.  All that is called off, for now.  It's not like there will be a Sally Beauty Supply on every corner, so I guess I will have to settle for my natural blah blonde.  If I actually got out of the house more, my hair would probably lighten to platinum anyway.  It always did before I got married, knocked up, and spent more time indoors than out.  I never used to be an indoor girl.  Things change.

  I'm also wondering about all the food that we have here that we won't be able to get there.  There will be certain brands of stuff I can't get...and shopping for clothes via the internet?  Honestly, it scares the shit out of me.  It always seems like I will order stuff that will fit me right in the chest, but it won't fit right in length.  I'll order pants that fit in the butt, but not in the waist.  I guess I'm a tactile shopper.  I like to see and touch and try on.  Yikes.

  Before anyone thinks that I'm really high maintenance, though, I'm really not.  I buy all my makeup at drugstores.  I tried MAC once.  It was okay, but since then, I found better stuff at the drugstore for me.  I just can't see paying $30 for something I can get for $10.  I'm a bargain shopper...but not quite so bad that I clip every coupon I see and piss off everyone in the store who have been waiting behind me in the checkout line.  I have never had a pedicure.  I hate people touching my feet.  I had my nails done - ONCE - by a friend.  Now, I always keep my nails short because I play my guitar just about every day.  I'm not high maintenance, at all, in many regards.  I'd say I'm normal...but the thought of being without crucial beauty supplies is scarier to me than being without food that I really like.

  Or maybe not.  If there were no access to an occasional fix of McDonald's fries, I may have to rethink this whole move.  I don't know why I like such things, but when I want fries, I'm getting fries, damnit.

  There is this wonderful blog called Okinawa Hai that now has a forum with it.  You can go there and get all kinds of information on Okinawa.  The problem is, some of the stupidest questions I have still have not been asked yet.  Those little things that keep me up all night still keep me up at night.  I haven't had the courage to ask them, yet.  What sane person could read what I wrote about the hair dye and walk away NOT thinking that I'm one of those insane Barbie types that is a wannabe for the next season of the 'Girls Next Door'?  Don't let the scary white hair fool you.  I am afraid of asking the really stupid things, I guess...for fear of sounding really stupid.  Isn't that stupid?

  They have a section there where people can post photos of their base housing and people do, all the time, talking about how much they love it - whether it's on-base or off-base.  I'm not obsessed with rank, but all I can think is, "What the heck is your husband's rank and BAH rate or for goodness' sake, how much are you paying in rent?" because in the housing world, rank has everything to do with what kind of place you can afford.  Some people are nice enough to include their husband's rank or tell you how much they pay in rent.  Some leave it out.  In the world of military wives, you can get your butt jumped if you dare mention what rank your husband is.  It's kind of silly.  I once saw a captain's wife name herself 'Cappy's Girl' on another forum and the girls were horrible and vicious.  She wasn't really being all bloviated about it...She was a nice person.  I don't get it.  If revealing your husband's rank or how much you pay in rent can help people out, then why not?  I guess some are being polite and don't want to seem like they are bragging about how much they pay for their digs.  Cool, I guess...but not cool.  I really want to know what I'm walking into.

  Commissary food - What I really wish someone would do is walk through the commissary taking photos...Seriously, take photos of the aisles and the food choices in the commissary.  Let us that are addicted to things be sure to stock up before we go and realize we will have to endure three years without Twinkies or something.  They have a ton of interesting articles about restaurants in Japan...I can't eat out much, anyway.  It's called having the 3 and  2 year-old children from hell.  The photos of tantalizing desserts dripped in caramel sauce that you can get at a Japanese café aren't doing me any good.  I want to see the goshdarn commissary which will be the source of most of my meals.

  Clothing and shoes - People also tell me about the clothing choices.  They say they carry clothes at the PX, but the selection is very limited.  What do the clothes look like, I wonder?  What sizes are they?  What about shoes?  If there isn't a Payless, Wal-Mart, Target, DSW etc...then where do people buy their shoes?  I've heard you can buy Japanese clothes but they are expensive and "different" in style.  How different?  What the heck do they look like?  I know everyone isn't walking around in kimonos.

  The libraries - How old are the books?  Will my only reading material be volumes of Shakespeare?  Do they offer modern literature?  Will I have to order EVERYTHING?

  The mosquitos - I've heard they are bad...How bad?  I've also heard it's hot as hell with 110% humidity.  So will I just have to wear one of those pointy hats with a mosquito netting veil all around me?  Because the last time we were in Oklahoma, some of those suckers bit me and I STILL have scars from the bites which swelled up and stayed that way for a long time.

  Movies - Where the heck do you go see a movie?  Are they in English with Japanese subtitles or dubbed into Japanese like one of those really bad movies I used to watch at two in the morning when I couldn't sleep and would wake my parents up laughing so loud?

  Etiquette - What the hell do I DO there?...I will be afraid to MOVE.  I will be afraid to screw up and do some hand gesture or something that is considered just about as offensive as spitting on the cross.  Instead, I will probably shuffle around like a robot saying, "Watashi wa Kelly desu, dôzo yoroshiku!" to everyone and just hope they can tolerate me.  Why is it that foreigners in our country who TRY to speak English can be so cute here, but in other country, they look at you like, "You asshole..." whenever you try to communicate.  Seriously.  Don't ever botch a sentence in France.  They will castrate you and call you a merde tête.

  Bras - My cousin said that she had a hell of a time finding a bra there.  She is Dolly Parton to my Kate Hudson.  She sees none and raises me two.  Seriously.  Check mate.  Me = No boobies.  So does that mean that I will be able to find bras there? 

  Mamasans - Does EVERYONE have one?  Does NOBODY clean their own house?  Seriously.  When reading some of these Okinawa forums, it seems like everyone but me can afford to pay someone to watch their children, clean their house, as well as a lawn service to mow their grass.  Am I the low onna no shito on the totem pole?  Are people going to look at me stupid because at least once a week I have to attack my house with Windex, a bottle of bleach/water mixture, a Mr. Clean magic eraser (OMG!  What if they don't have those there????  It's the only thing I know that removes crayon from absolutely anything...), toilet cleaner, brushes, carpet cleaner, a mop, a broom, and a garbage bag?  Am I seriously the only one that does this anymore?  Am I really supposed to call someone else in to do it for me?  And do I really have to insist that they be bilingual....(not as in they must speak English, but as in they must speak Japanese)?  This might all sound like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm really serious.  From everything I've read, it's starting to sound like everyone else will be out enjoying the exotic locale while I am working off my dishpan hands.  This all just makes me feel really redneck.  My grandmothers would be horrified if I ever told them I had a housekeeper.  For all intents and purposes, I've been raised in an old school world.  This new world baffles me.  It makes me uneasy to think of other people cleaning up our mess...and even more uneasy to think of how much that costs.  I'm hoping this will all be clear when I get out there, but right now, it sounds like everyone has a mamasan and a manicured lawn.  I'm scared and terrified to be the lone hillbilly on the block out mowing my grass next to other lawnboys.

  Restaurants - I've read a lot of restaurant reviews where these brave souls go into restaurants and order off menus that are completely Japanese...without even really knowing what they are ordering.  How the hell do they do that?  Are they the type of people that will eat anything?  Because if I'm not high maintenance in some areas, my stomach and taste buds ARE.  They don't care for seafood and never have.  The smell of fish makes me want to vomit.  To my credit, though, I am going to TRY to work my way through this...but I still don't know if it's possible.  I have heard they have a lot of chicken.  So am I going to have to do the chicken dance to be able to get chicken at a Japanese restaurant?  I guess I'd better go learn the word for 'chicken'.

  At first, I was thinking about all this and going, "Okay, I can handle this...This is going to be an adventure!  It's going to be fun...." but as reality sets in, I'm laughing at myself and thinking, "Oh man, this is going to be like The Beverly Hillbillies do Okinawa!"

  I'm not one of those people that is all stuffy and prissy about being "cultured"...aka. Madonna with her phony accent.  I don't plan on going to Japan and making any mistake that I am not, in fact, Japanese.  I just wonder if it's possible to blend two cultures, theirs and American culture without a clash or having to become something I'm not?  I realize there are many people who have no interest in the island around them who move into base housing and don't associate with anyone but Americans, but I don't want to be that way.  I do want to experience...just not become.  However, the experience part scares me.  I'm so afraid of screwing up and saying or doing the wrong thing.  My cousin, who is currently doing a tour on Okinawa, told me that you have to accept that you ARE going to screw up and do the wrong thing.  It's going to happen.  You just have to live and learn....it still doesn't make it any easier.

  I just don't want to end up staying on base, the whole time.  At this point, there are so many unknowns.  When I talk to friends about it, they are like, "Oh shut up!  Quit worrying!  Lucky!  You get to live over there..."  I know.  I don't forget that I'm lucky to have the experience, but those who have known me over the past 5-10 years know that moving to California really sucked for me because there was so much I loved, back home.  Now, it's like God is playing a little trick on me: "Ha!  You thought California felt like a foreign country...wait till you see Japan!"

  Before I really thought about all these little things, I would laugh when someone asked me what I thought about living in a foreign country:  "Are you kidding?  I live in California...It IS a foreign country!"

  I will survive the culture shock.  I will.  I just hope I can escape it relatively unscathed without being voted off the island.

   

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