Thursday, 15 January 2009

• Two weeks of my life and what I've learned

  
  

  I have to be in a snarky mood to blog a decent post, these days.  Do you know how often I'm in snarky moods, these days?

  Okay, well...they used to be my default state, pretty much, but then something went awry with my wiring after having kids and now I'm not so much snarky as I am bitchy.  It's easy to be in a bitchy mood when your laptop died a horrible death and you've been unable to afford another one.  What all this boils down to is that the husband and I have to share a computer, now...and my husband is home more and more these days as we get closer to this move.  If he's in the house, you can bet he's on the computer, which means wifey gets no computer time unless it is an ungodly hour.  Since the kids get up at seven, now, I can't do ungodly hours anymore.

  My husband comes home from work, barely grunts at me, goes straight to the computer and gets on this stupid military forum that he loves so much.  The military forum is complete with a chat room where these guys talk about guns, military stuff, and exchange photos of half nekkid women.  My husband got bopped over the head for linking new photos from the Maxim swimsuit issue onto the forum.

  "It's not THAT bad...It's Maxim!" he tried to reason.

  "Okay, for that...my self esteem is now in the toilet.  You owe me a boob job, botox injections, liposuction, as well as paying for the entirety of the massive dental bill to come..."

  That's partially true.  We have decided it's worth the investment to get my teeth fixed.  I won't tell you how much it's going to cost, but let's just say it's probably triple the cost that I gave the last time that everyone bitched at me for.  I'm not doing veneers.  I'm just going to get the suckers capped.  The reason why is because I am pretty good with my oral hygeine and STILL get cavities and crap.  It's not fair.  I did not win the genetic lottery when it came to teeth.  In fact, I'm still trying to figure out exactly where I won the genetic lottery...considering my vision in both eyes is worse than -9.00, my teeth look like boulders someone decided to pee on, my skin breaks out to the point where I can't look into a mirror without craving pizza sometimes, I look near-death without makeup, my legs are so scarred from a late chicken pox outbreak that they resemble cigars when they are tan, my hair is fine, completely unable to hold a style, and turns piss yellow thanks to the hard water on base (which is why I dyed it a scary platinum blonde for the ball), and my boobs think they've come home to the motherland when we make our road trips through Oklahoma.  Yes, they're that flat.

  So YES, damnit.  In about a month, my teeth will officially be the most expensive things I have ever owned....and I thought that $1,800 Lazaro gown was a splurge in 1999.  (I'm selling it for less than half that, by the way, want it?)

  I literally told the office assistant at the dental office that my husband was going to take one look at the estimate, shit himself, and then insist that I go have my boobs done, instead.  Is that not the most redneck thing you've ever heard in your life?  Sure, her teeth look like crap...but did you see her hooters?  I wouldn't put it past my husband.  I did just catch him searching for Maxim swimsuit pictures.  The office assistant got a pretty good laugh.  She then started telling me I should go for that elective surgery that military wives supposedly get for free.  I've heard that rumor for years.  I don't know if it's true, but if it is, you can damn well bet that it's because the newbie Navy docs need someone to experiment on.  Somewhere at Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton, they have run out of hamsters to give knockers and are ready for a real test subject.  So should I join the ranks of hamsters with boobs or suffer the mosquito bump, her-bra-fits-better-backwards jokes?  I think I'll stick with the latter.

  Actually, I know this might sound shocking, but for some reason, I crossed the 30 mark, and I really no longer care what anyone thinks about my chest.  I remember having guys being really, really cruel to me because of it and it took me this long to realize that completely altering my body in permanent ways to make some dude happy is completely and totally insane.  I also have to wonder that if I went that far, wouldn't it mean that something inside myself was fundamentally broken and having goo-filled baggies shoved under my skin would never, ever repair that?  I've already been a sex object in my life.  I worked at Hooters.  I wored padded bras that pushed what little boobage I had up to my neck...and did it make me happy?  No,  I was miserable.  Though sometimes I get that nagging sensation that it would be so nice if I could actually fill out a 32AA, for Christ's sake.  To boob or not to boob?  I'm relegating that question to the back of the prioity list and enjoying being myself, for now, even though friends with boob implants tell me it's sooo wonderful.  Yeah, come to the dark side!  Come to the ranks of people who can't dance without looking retarded and worry about their bench press.  Ignore the back pain, ignore people talking to your boobs and not your face, ignore the negatives - just do it!  You'll thank me later!

  For now, I'll pass.  I'd rather botox the fine lines around my mouth from laughing like a jackass too much.  That's if I had the money to blow, of course.  Here's the other fact of life:  I don't!  I am only getting this dental work done by selling my car and my husband is selling his motorcycle.  That is, if he can ever get the damn thing sold.  To cut my wordiness short:  New teeth.  Coming soon.  Me = thrilled.

  In other news, we have had so much going on in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up with it all.  Because I can never get to the computer to blog (thank you mean husband), I have been writing down everything in my old Franklin Covey planner.  Anyone who has ever developed an addiction to Franklin Covey knows they are expensive.  I must have thought I was going to keep up with life via my planner in 2005 because that was the last time I bought new refill pages for it.  Luckily, I only used about five pages of those new refills.  Instead of buying new ones like normal people with normal incomes, I scratched out the dates and had to rewrite all of them so I could reuse my planner.  I'm cheap like that and times are hard. 

  In any case, I started trying to sum up what I would be blogging on Xanga every day in short, concise sentences telling what I learned every day and what I did every day.  I have always felt that life is one big classroom and we are experiencing things and thrown into all kinds of situations to learn and become the best person we can be before leaving this earth and moving on to wherever we go.  That's why I not only recorded everythign I did, but what little lesson I think was meant to be learned that day.  How is my month going so far?  Here is half-January in review:

  January 1st
  Sent mother-in-law a card.  Laughed my ass off about Wal-Mart bingo.  I found it online.  It's so amusing I can't stop laughing.

  • Learned today not to make useless New Year's resolutions, but to just DO what I need to do one step at a time.
  • Learned that Wal-Mart bingo is now officially on my list of things I have to do before I die.

  January 2nd
  Went to Mission Bay with Keegan (brother-in-law) and Allie, (my brother-in-law's fiancée).  We told our engagement stories.  Blaine claims I am wrong about ours and he was in his dress blues when he proposed to me.  He was NOT damnit!!  I am the woman and I remember this kind of thing and DAMNIT, I AM RIGHT!!!

  • Learned today that margaritas and a carnival atmosphere can turn any bad mood around
  • Learned that it's not the scenery or wealth of an area that makes a place "nice" - it's the people.
  • Learned that a story is only as accurate as the mind that remembers it (and that I am right)
  • Learned that pigeons can shit at miraculous angles [there is an overhang you can't really see in this photo...but we analyzed the poop splatter and deemed it miraculous - this was after the margarita of course]
    
    
    
  • Learned that chasing seagulls is a lot like chasing dreams. You'll probably never catch them, but it's a lot of fun anyway.
    
    
    
  • Learned that sand angels are worse than snow angels because snow will melt, dry, go away, and you will warm up again, but no amount of digging will remove sand from your ass crack.
    
    
    
  • Learned that "I kissed a girl and I liked it" sounds much, much cuter coming from the mouth of a 3 year-old boy than a twenty-something hoochie mama.
    
  • Learned that my husband can look REALLY gay when he wants to.
    
    

  January 3rd
  Cait somehow crapped on the bottom of her toy farmhouse, defying laws of gravity.

  • Learned that kids can hide poop in the most creative of places
  • Learned that if the internet existed 20 years ago, then maybe I'd have found out what the deal is with Bruce Springsteen and that redhead chick 20 years earlier
  • Realized that no matter what toy one of your children has, they will never be satisfied until they have the one their sibling has.
  • Learned that after they get that one, they won't want it either.
  • Learned that occasionally your spouse will surprise you, like admitting they really dig your taste in music.
  • Learned that fifteen minutes later, your spouse can turn around and piss you off when they jump on the computer and get onto that stupid f$%#%! military chat room to waste infinite amounts of time.

  January 4th
  Learned that I have symptoms of cervical cancer.  I am freaking the hell out.

  • Learned that sometimes it's the scary moments in life that make you want to live again.

  January 5th
  Blaine claims our SLATE BLUE plates are gray.  I say they are a peculiar shade of blue.  He says they are gray.  Once again, I am right, damnit.  Made a Dr's appointment to get one of those crotch smears I am late on getting.  Cervical cancer would really throw a wrench in my plans to take over the world.  Watched The Bachelor premiere.  Celeste and I argue over Stephanie's worth as a candidate.  I think she's pretty, even if she looks kinda like a white Condi Rice with better teeth.  She's prettier in natural daylight.  I swear.  We both make comments via text message, during the show about the dental assistant chick's boobs and how you could drive an 18-wheeler through them.  Our uncanny dual thinking cements our friendship.  We are bonded through The Bachelor.  To commercial break do we part.

  • Learned that sometimes people just love to argue because the only highlight in their life is their own righteousness and arguing....mainly lawyers and my husband....and that plate IS blue!!!
  • Wondered...If Blaine, a Staff Sergeant, forgets to pin on one of his lapel rank pins, but pins on the other...does that make him a Half Sergeant? 

  January 6th
  Didn't do crap...but I did watch the Scrubs premiere!  I didn't tell Blaine it was on and watched it upstairs.  He was pissed.  Oh well, if he hadn't been in that military chat room telling military stories again, he would know what was going on!  I did have a really strange dream where my old assistant principle from high school was yelling at us about having a cat in our house.  Two nerdy guys were sitting next to me.  The blonde one told me I could still go to college.  Dreams are weird.

  • Learned today that sometimes you just NEED a blah day to be lazy, accomplish nothing, in order to recharge you for the days that fall afterwards.

  January 7th
  Dyed my hair darker and loved it.  I feel like such a woman now.  Maybe it's estrogen levels and my menstrual cycle, but I think it's the hair.  Decided I really needed to work out but couldn't decide what to do so I did an hour of cardio, an upper body workout, an ab workout, and a lower body workout.  Maybe I need to just go back to Body-for-Life officially.  It keeps me from getting overzealous and screaming for a bodycast the two days later.

  • Learned today that my kids are growing up and I really want to be a part of their lives in ways they will always treasure.
  • Learned that our world is slowly morphing into a world where egoist, narcissistic views are being encouraged.  Sometimes it seems like we are being urged to be selfish, care only about ourselves and only pretend to care about others.

  January 8th
  Blaine reenlists.  I get embarrassed as we are having a formal moment where Blaine's very kind CO is trying to honorably discharge him and then swear him back in for another four years...and Cullen decides to let his wind-up Lightning McQueen car go zooming past his Daddy's feet and the CO's feet, both of them trying not to laugh.  Cullen decides that the large grim reaper mural on the walls of the squadron offices (which is their squadron logo) scares the hell out of him and cries hysterically as we run past it, covering his eyes to be able to get him to exit the building.  The CO gives us a really cool book about Okinawa and tells us to call his wife for more info about their move, since they were there previously.

  • Learned that being a mother is always going to be a position to be ridiculed.  In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your parenting skills, but the quality of the fruit you produce.

  January 9th
  Dentist exam.  I freak out over dentist's costs and think about going to Tijuana to get my teeth fixed in Mexico.  Blaine warns me that I might be raped, murdered, have my head cut off, or could be sold into sexual slavery because the crime has gone through the roof in recent years.  I rethink the decision.  I wonder if I would be happy being a sex slave as long as I had really kick ass teeth?  Probably not.  I'll stay on my side of the border fence.

  • Learned that the American dental system is ridiculously overpriced.

  January 10th
  Decided I wanted to do a "Mom thing"...You know, one of those cool things that good parents do.  Took the kids to see Bolt at the base movie theater.  Cullen screamed because he was afraid of the dark and cried.  Cait got bored and decided she wanted to run through the theater.

  • Learned that my kids are not old enough to go to the movies, yet.

  January 11th
  Finished all the laundry in the house.  I will feel accomplished until tomorrow when another load will invariably be ready for me.  It always is.  I ran/walked two miles.  I have no idea what the hell for, but it felt good.

  • Learned today to follow my own advice.
  • Learned that working out and drinking lots of water beats the hell out of sitting on your ass all night!

  January 12th
  It was a beautiful day outside.  My neighbor's husband is gone in Iraq.  Some guy pulled up outside her house as she was outside talking to us, today.  She didn't even acknowledge him as he got out of his car, removed his military blouse and walked right into her house.  We waited for her to explain.  She said nothing.  Another neighbor came home from work shooting dirty looks at that guy's car.  He usually parks his truck there.  I've seen that car in front of my neighbor's house quite a few times, late at night.  The guy has since spent the night at her house every night.  We know her husband.  He's insanely jealous and she has hinted their marriage was troubled.  I'm biting my lip and trying not to judge, but she used to talk to me all the time...she never calls anymore.  Her little girl came in our garage and asked my husband where that blonde guy went to, the one that goes in her house.  I heard this happens all the time in base housing...but seeing it actually happen is a different story...and it's sad.  What if it does happen all the time and I'm just not even nosy enough to have cared or noticed it?  Needless to say, Blaine is angry and hopes it's not what we think.  How does one Marine do this to another when he's in Iraq? I delivered some books to a girl in another housing area who wanted to buy some books from me.  I've got a ton I still need to sell.

  • Learned today that some stereotypes really are inclined to be true...even though it sucks for the rest who don't hold to the stereotype.
  • Sometimes the unthinkable can become justified with empathy.  Maybe true happiness doesn't come from judging others?
  • You can never really know a person.

  January 13th
  Scrubs rocked tonight.  I am so glad ABC picked up that show.  J.D. & Elliott better end up together, damnit.  If they don't, then nothing makes sense in this world.  Had my Dr's appt today.  Some old lady goes up to the front counter and yells to the nurse, "I HAVE HEPATITIS C!!!  I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU PUT IT IN MY CHART, OKAY?!" I cringe, craving my bottle of Purell in the glove compartment.  How contagious is that?  Holy crap!  I know my mind is overreacting, but I can't help it as I sit in that waiting room feeling contaminated for over an hour.  I finally get called back and sit next to two girls in the back waiting room joking in Spanish with the nurse, feeling agitated because I feel ignored.  My doctor walks by and doesn't recognize me.  She does a double take and tells me I have really lost weight.  I have.  She hasn't seen me since pre-Body-for-Life.  I'm mortified that I actually got THAT fat after my daughter.  I have to go give blood after the appointment just to double check since I'm having some "issues".  The Sandra-Oh-looking nurse gives me a hard time about insurance cards.  I get blood drawn.  It sucks.

  • From sitting in the doctor's office, overhearing conversations, I learned that hemorrhoids never really go away, but they get better.
  • Learned I probably would not be infected with Hepatitis C just sitting in a waiting room...unless Hepatitis lady and I decided to start doing drugs and exchanging drug needles out of boredom.  I don't do drugs though...so I guess that's out of the question.  Instead, I'll pray for that lady.

  January 14th
  Took the kids to the commissary.  Two grocery carts of stuff and I sit here thinking, "There's nothing to eat" - WHY does that always happen?  Ah, I know.  We bought REAL food instead of snack food in an attempt to eat healthier again. 

  • Learned that I am terrified of having to take the kids to the commissary by myself until they 18.

  Sooo...that has been my life the past few weeks.  I'll try to check back in tomorrow if my husband doesn't get home early and steals the computer.  Sharing a computer with an internet addict really sucks.  I wanted to personally thank those of you who have given tips about Okinawa....I'm actually following everyone's advice because it's all such wonderful advice.  Please know that I haven't forgotten your kindness and will be around to repay you when I can get my butt back on here.  It's after 1 a.m, now, and I will have Cullen climbing in my bed at 7:30 a.m. saying, "I love you, Mommy...I missed you soooo much!  Cullen have a kiss and a hug?"  I love that kid. 

   

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